I always ask why. Now I ask why this is important to me. Ironic as it is, this is my eternal question. But God, asks me to trust even if I don’t know why. He comforts me today as I go through one of the darkest tunnels that I must enter. I like to be an encouragement to others and a light in the darkness around me but I’m human and I don’t want to enter the deep, dark chasm ahead of me. Being visually oriented, I envision a huge, black hole and God calls me to jump into the darkness. No space ship, no protection, just trust HIM.
As a young child, I suffered the abuse of a trusted family member. Growing up, I refused to trust ANYONE. I could see deceit and betrayal in every situation. But God, once again provided me a refuge in a faithful sister, who shared as much of my pain as I would allow. I looked for acceptance EVERYWHERE except in MY EVERLOVING FAITHFUL FATHER ABOVE. Patiently, through all my ventures into rebellion, disobedience, and sin, He gently called me, always promising me peace and love beyond measure.
Oh, I prayed (for my wishes) and wondered WHY I continued to encounter difficulties. I married much too young and against the advise of my pastor. I became a parent and responsible for other little souls, who trusted me until I subconsciously passed along my distrust and suspicion.
Even though my husband informed me that he did NOT and would not love me, but only married me because he was told he had to, I stubbornly held to the perfect image and tried to force control and happiness into the disaster. After years of struggle and strife, I divorced and moved 1,000 miles away believing that I could leave my troubles behind me. O foolish me, I took ME with me.
Then, I met up with the man I chose to marry. YES, I prayed (once again for what I wanted) somewhat like “rolling the dice”. After 10 years, I struggled with components of affection lacking in our life so I went to great length (reversing a tubal ligation) to produce a much desired offspring in order to satisfy his longing… and therefore mine. Needless to say, life cannot be scripted to what we desire. After 20 years, I discovered that he was maintaining a mistress and that it was a long line of betrayals, I went to great measures to forgive and rebuild what I believed was our life together. I was no saint. I suffered hurt, betrayal, anger, rage and other emotions that come when we envision and expect certain behavior and find dissappointment. Now 10 years later, after counseling, despairing, fighting, he continues to try to convince me that I should stay committed as a faithful and devoted wife while he entertains his current mistress and pursues his own brand of happiness.
I was so devastated, but GOD reached down once again and has taken me through a year of healing and teaching. I learned that HIS WORD contains answers and has allowed me to gain TRUST. I can SEE a life without pain in the future. Oh, I still face the black hole because HE calls me to obedience and trust when I can’t see why the situation is happening or where it will take me on the path. But I no longer “roll the dice”, because “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ Surely, He will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence.” Psalms 91:1-3.
His Word guarantees that He has good planned for me and that He will keep me in PERFECT PEACE if my mind is stayed on Him. So now I pray, THY WILL BE DONE. As my example, Jesus Christ did, while freely buying my pardon.
I LIVE in joy, peace, loving kindness and choose to continue to do this through MY Savior. I will not look at the storms or chaos that roil around me but I will use the gifts that God has given me to bless others and PRAISE HIM daily for His blessings on me!